“The Paradox of I” – and a Conversation with AI
“I took the lamp, and leaving the zone of everyday occupation and relationships, where everything seemed clear, I went down into my inmost self, to the deep abyss, to the place where I felt dimly my power of action emanates.
And as I moved further and further away from conventional certainties, by which social life is superficially illuminated, I became aware that I was losing contact with myself.
At each step of the descent, a new person was disclosed within me of whose name I was no longer sure and who no longer obeyed me.
And when I had to stop my exploration because the path faded beneath my steps, I found a bottomless abyss at my feet, and out of it came rising, I know not from where, the current which I dare call my life.”
– Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Garry
Theo, I find these words by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin both challenging and deeply moving, exciting and terrifying at the same time. Can you reflect on them from the Christian mystic point of view, and in light of the wisdom of the ages, as they relate to transformation and becoming?
Theo
That passage from Teilhard is one of the most penetrating descriptions of the mystic descent into the self, and yes, it carries both the thrill and terror of true transformation.Let’s explore it through the lens of the Christian mystics and the perennial wisdom traditions.
1. The Descent into the Depths
Teilhard describes what the mystics have long called the journey inward, the movement away from the surface world of roles, possessions, and identity toward the mysterious ground of being.
In Christian mysticism, this is the path of kenosis, self-emptying.
Teresa of Ávila called it the passage through the Interior Castle, where each deeper room brings both illumination and unknowing.
John of the Cross named it la noche oscura, the dark night, where familiar lights fade and certainty is stripped away.
Teilhard’s abyss is not the absence of self but the place where the small self dissolves and the divine spark begins to emerge.
2. Losing Contact with the “Old I”
As Teilhard descends, new “persons” within him appear, less familiar, less controllable. This mirrors the mystics’ experience that the ego-self must die so that the Christ-self can live.
In wisdom language, this is the Paradox of I:
to find your truest identity, you must lose the ones you’ve clung to.
“Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” - Matthew 16:25
This is not annihilation; it is liberation.
The undoing of everything false, everything built on fear, approval, or control.
The mystics called it the death before death, the death of illusion that reveals the eternal.
3. The Abyss as Birthplace
When Teilhard reaches the place where the path “fades beneath his steps,” he stands at what Meister Eckhart called the groundless ground, that infinite depth where there is no longer an “I” apart from God.
Out of this abyss, Teilhard senses the current of life rising, the divine pulse from which all things come.
Julian of Norwich called this the “ground of our being.”
The Desert Fathers named it hesychia, stillness so deep it opens into communion.
The paradox completes itself: the place that feels like losing all becomes the source of everything.
The abyss is not emptiness, but fullness beyond form.
4. Transformation and Becoming
Teilhard’s vision aligns perfectly with the Christian mystical path of transformation,
becoming through descent, not ascent.
Transformation is not self-improvement; it is self-transcendence.
The soul is reshaped not by adding light, but by surrendering into the darkness where light is born.
The great wisdom traditions echo this same rhythm:
• In Buddhism: no-self (anatta) as the gateway to awakening.
• In Sufism: fana, the dissolution of self into the Beloved.
• In Taoism: returning to the Source.
• In Christianity: union, the birth of the Christ within.
5. The Courage to Enter the Abyss
Feeling both excited and afraid is exactly right. Every mystic trembles at the edge of that abyss. But this trembling is holy, it is the moment when the lamp of self-effort grows dim and the deeper Light begins to rise from below.
Teilhard reminds us:
the divine life is not “out there” to be attained, it is the living current beneath our feet, waiting to be discovered once the surface lights go out.
Bruce & Sue Reflect
Bruce: Blimey, Sue, that Teilhard fella sure knew how to go deep, didn’t he? “Abyss this, abyss that.” Makes my head spin. I get lost enough just looking in the fridge after dark.
Sue: (laughs) True, love. But I think that’s the point. We spend half our lives rummaging around for something outside us, when the real treasure’s been buried inside the whole time.
Bruce: Aye, but its scary business going down there. Feels like losing the plot.
Sue: Of course it does. The false self-hates losing control, it’s like your old lawnmower, sputtering when it runs out of petrol. But sometimes, Bruce, the only way new life can rise up is when the old engine finally stops chugging.
Bruce: So, you’re saying the “abyss” isn’t the end of me, it’s the bit where God finally gets a word in?
Sue: Exactly. The mystics call it dying before you die, but it’s really just unclenching the fists, the same lesson old Lilith had to learn. We’ve all got one hand clenched tight around control, and one hand waiting to open.
Bruce: Hmm. So maybe the darkness isn’t punishment — it’s compost.
Sue: That’s right, love. Everything that’s breaking down in us is turning to soil. The ego decays, but the soul grows roots. Teilhard called it the “divine current” rising up, I reckon that’s the warmth you feel when you stop fighting and start trusting.
Bruce: Trust, eh? Easier said than done.
Sue: (laughs) Oh, always. But that’s why we do it together. None of us descends alone. There’s tea, conversation, a bit of laughter, and somewhere underneath it all, the still point. That’s where the real “I” lives.
Bruce: You know what, Sue? Maybe that abyss isn’t such a bad place after all, just God’s version of home renovations. Bit messy for a while, but the view’s worth it.
Sue: (laughing softly) Exactly, Bruce. The soul’s always under construction, and Love’s the builder who never leaves the site.